if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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