she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
