Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
