Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
