Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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