My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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