I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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