I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
