i just sent this text using only my big toe
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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