in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
