Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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