you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
