I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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