I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
