i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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