Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
