whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
