i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it glows. i had to have it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
