god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
