he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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