I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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