I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
