____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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