Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
