I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Im part way to drunk.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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