People with herpes should wear stickers.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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