Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
