i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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