I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
