T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
