He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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