life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
