I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
