i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
