i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
