I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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