i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
