is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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