The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
