it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
