I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
