Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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