When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
