I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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