Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
