a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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