so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
