If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
