I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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