...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
