I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
